Ru-mination on turning 29 . . .

I turned 29 on Sunday. In the days preceding what I considered a not-so-major-milestone birthday, I got a lot of questions about how I felt about turning 30 next year. My first response was, " I don't know, I am not turning 30 until NEXT year." My second, less snarky response was,
"I kind of feel relieved because turning 30 marks the end of my tumultuous, transitionary twenties."

To be fair, I am kind of cleaving to my youth. I like that I am still in my twenties and feel that for some reason, all major life accomplishments just SOUND more impressive if you managed to pull them off in your twenties. I also think my generation puts a value on "youth" and "young accomplishments." We have seen many of our contemporaries accomplish amazing things before their 30th birthdays and sort of pressure ourselves into accomplishing similar feats.

But, our generation is also living in a sort of delayed, protracted adolescence and clinging to Ikea furniture, car hand-me-downs, financial assistance from our parents, binge drinking, playing video games and the juvenile sense of entitlement we got from our parents telling us we were special and organizing and planning every free minute of our day as well as everybody being a winner in Little League and the elimination of dodge ball from recess games because its not fair to the kid that gets picked last. And too much adolescence and uncertainty are never a good thing--I feel like I just never grow up or get anywhere because for the past 11 years, all ups and downs in my life have been attributed to the TERRIBLE, NO GOOD VERY BAD T-Word: Transition. And I for one AM SICK AND TIRED OF TRANSITIONING!!!

I want to be THERE already, god dammit!!! Wherever I was supposedly transitioning to for all those years has to be here by now. I mean, four years of college were transition into grad school and/or working life, which were transition into careers and dating and building financial security and independence, which was transition into marriage, cohabitation, home buying and now, I am kind of lost as to what I am supposed to be transitioning into. You know why? BECAUSE TRANSITION WAS AN EXCUSE FOR NOT KNOWING WHAT I WAS DOING OR SUPPOSED TO BE DOING FOR ALL THOSE YEARS! And I am ready to just BE. It seems sort of self-indulgent to attribute all of my not-so-great decisions and lack of prior lack of security and maturity to the fact that I was in transition. I thinks its time to stop deluding myself and grow uo. I don't care if where I am is where I am supposed to be or what I am supposed to be doing, I am here now and I am not budging. I am certainly not changing or moving for the sake of changing or moving anymore. And I am not excusing any parts of my life I don't like simply because I am young and in-between things. I am OUT OF TRANSITION. I am SETTLED.

And settled doesn't mean I have to be sedentary or miserable---I can still quit my job and change cities and try new things. It just means I am not chalking my lack of certainty or discontent up to transition and youth and this dumb idea that as long as I keep moving and am in between things, I won't be held accountable for my actions or be considered a real adult. I want to be considered an adult, I want to be accountable for my actions, I want to feel like my life and hat I do and where I do it matter because they are for real and not part of some short term plan of getting from A to B and then onward to C. And to me, turning 30 marks the end of the transitionary 20s and the start of the truly-there 30s!!!

That's right, I said it. I can't wait to be 30. I think 30 marks the beginning of every person's best phase in life. You are your most attractive, most content and productive and okay where you are without being complacent or still. And most of all, you aren't' just moving to move, changing to change---you are doing things for a reason for once and not because you have to. . . .I am already counting down the days.