Catch-up: Wedding Etiquette

According to Purva, I have A LOT of blogging to catch up on! Sorry, this past week was sort of crazy with work, etc., but I am back and have a whole new rant for your consideration: appropriate wedding etiquette, for the bride and groom.

As this no-good, very-bad winter finally comes to an end, we have started receiving save-the-dates and invitations for spring and summer weddings. We are smack in the middle of our 5-10 weddings-a-year-phase that many young couples go through. As we are currently in year two of this phase, we have become very good at managing the invites, knowing when to make the travel arrangements, figuring out what to wear and dealing with gifts. And, we both genuinely look forward to attending our friends' weddings and are super excited for the 2009 "wedding season."

But, in the past few weeks, we have been having many conversations with friends and family about the issues that arise when you are invited to numerous weddings in one year and face mounting expenses and fairly outrageous "requests" from the bride and groom. One friend has been invited to a destination wedding, along with two bridal showers and an engagement party, all out of state. The travel expenses alone exceed her 2009 total travel budget and she doesn't feel comfortable not attending all the events because the bride is one of her best friends ad she doesn't think she will understand. I know plenty of people who can relate and I think this begs the question: with all the talk about proper wedding guest behavior, what is the appropriate etiquette for the bride and groom?

I have previously alluded to the changing nature of 20-something and 30-something social life: childhood + high school + college + grad school/military service/numerous post-college positions + multiple moves + family = many possible friends from different backgrounds, in varied places, all in different places in their lives'. With these changes, the wedding guest population is often faced with being invited to a wedding in a location that requires air travel, overnight accommodations and two or three lead-in events that also require travel and gifting. If you are actually in the wedding party, the costs go up exponentially. More and more people find that the honor of being asked to be a part of a loved one's special day is often clouded by the politics and financial stress that go along with being in the wedding party or being invited to a lavish wedding.

It's no secret that we got married last August and had a RIDICULOUS wedding. Our three day, 5 event wedding extravaganza had about 1,000 guests and took place in and around Baltimore over a non-long weekend. Many of our friends flew from various places around the country, rented cars, paid for hotel rooms and attended multiple events---all of which we are EXTREMELY thankful for. Both of us were very concerned about burdening our friends and family with unnecessary expenses and expectations, particularly because we were sensitive to how over-the-top our wedding seemed to non-Indian guests and to older family members.

In planning the wedding and working with our planner, our parents and our bridal party to put it all together, Chet and I learned how to balance being excited about our wedding and making it what we wanted and still be considerate to our guests. I quickly figured out what is acceptable bride-to-be behavior and what pushes you into Bridezilla land. For instance, it is acceptable to limit the guest list only to those people you care about and mean something to you, but it is unacceptable to hold a possible invite over a friend or acquaintance "on the fence" and to discuss your invite list like it is a roster for an exclusive social club. It is acceptable to provide suggestions for accommodations and to secure room blocks at area hotels, it is not acceptable to only suggest $300-night hotel rooms because your venue requires a certain number of hotel room reservations in order for you to secure the banquet hall. It is acceptable to expect your guests to gift you, but it is not acceptable to expect all guests to gift the same as not all guests have the same means. It is also acceptable to want your friends and family to attend the wedding (that is why you are inviting them, after all), but it is not acceptable to invite people you know cannot attend in hopes of "milking a gift," OR to guilt-trip and write-off someone who cannot attend because he or she cannot afford the trip, cannot take time off or has a prior commitment. Last, but most important, though your wedding day is the biggest day of your life and your likely be-all, end-all for the months preceding the big day and though your friends and family are obviously happy for you and excited for the wedding and to be a part of it, IT IS NOT THE ONLY THING THEY HAVE GOING ON IN THEIR LIVES!!!!

So, if you are getting married in the near future, Congrats!!! Savor this time---the engagement is a wonderful time with your significant other, can lead to awesome bonding with friends and family and may be one of the only times in your life when the focus will be entirely on you, your significant other and your love. Make it all about you and don't feel guilty about planning the wedding of your dreams (if any one is looking for a wedding planner, btw, click here)---your friends and family want that for you, too. Just remember that your most special day is one of many other important events your guests have to attend in any given year and that each guest has to work within his or her means and if they can't come to all of the wedding events, or necessarily pay-their-plate, it doesn't mean they don't value your friendship or care about you. If you manage your expectations as a bride, I guarantee you will have a better time during the planning process (I certainly did) and your wedding will be more fun for you AND your guests.

I am going to leave the comments section for advice from the wedding planners in my family to give concrete pointers for brides' to manage their expectations and for your thoughts/ideas, as either a past bride or wedding guest, on how to scale back some of the recent bridezilla madness.